Strapped in, hands-free? Check. Toast and tea? Yep. Toddler settled into three-course breakfast, complete with emergency fruits and beverages? Uh huh. Warm bottle, screaming baby, remote, tablet, ridiculously huge water bottle and (breathe out) a skerrick of sanity? Yeah…
Then let the moo begin! Moo… moo… moo…
This was me, every morning. For almost six months. With my trusty hands-free double breast pump strapped on, multitasking like a muthafu… I mean, responsible mother. It was me four times a day. At home. At my sister’s. At my mum’s. In parents’ rooms. In car parks. Whilst driving* … moo … moo … moo …
Why, you cry with horror?
It wasn’t so much a choice as a manageable option.
You see – lactation consultants brace yourselves – my babies just didn’t like my boobs. Not at all. Neither of them (neither boob, neither baby). Sure, we were all bosom buddies for a while, until – gasp – the dreaded bottle was introduced. That’s when my bodgy boobs came off second best and I adopted the Moo**.
I pumped like a muthafu… responsible mother … day in and day out to keep their little bellies full of the good stuff for the first six months of their lives – hell, I wasn’t letting those chubby little tyrants get one up on me – and then I switched to formula.
After the initial (and completely irrational) pang of guilt, I felt relief. Thank God that’s over! Because, let’s face it, pumping several hours a day with a baby in arms and a two-year-old on the loose IS A LITTLE BIT INSANE (and a bit stressful, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time).
These days I happily leave bub to feed herself her formula bottle, knowing the house is a little bit cleaner, my two-year-old isn’t going to wee next to the toilet unsupervised, and life’s a little bit less complicated. Judge me if you will (because, you know, I probably wasn’t trying hard enough, right? I mean, who really cares about the recurrent mastitis, lop-sided boobs, babies screaming at the mere glimpse of a nipple…?) but that’s what worked for us.
Having finally retired my dehydrated peaches to my push-up bra, it’s time to chuckle about the insanity of it all. And ask the breastfeeding fairies for better luck next time (Who could pass up an opportunity to be an arse-kicking militant breast feeder like Pink?) .
Life before the Moo, when breast was the best.
*Only when my mummy knockers were millilitres from exploding and never when the kids were in the car. It WAS hands-free, after all (you know, like your mobile phone kit. Sort-of. Ok, not really.)
** The “Moo” is the Medela Freestyle Double Breast Pump and it’s absolutely brilliant for exclusive pumpers (or anyone who wants a good quality, reliable machine).
Have you ever expressed? Would you do it exclusively? Have you ever been judged by others for feeding your baby the “wrong” way? Feel free to share your thoughts/experiences below.
Related articles
- Pumping Is Beautiful (thepumpingmama.wordpress.com)
- Best Breast Pumps of 2013 (breastfeeding2013.wordpress.com)
- Hanging Up The Pump (onehungrybear.wordpress.com)
