Sometimes it’s hard to find the funny side of motherhood (like when you’re using a toothpick to remove vomit chunks from your toddler’s car seat buckle). And then there are the days when you find yourself telling your nine-month-old “Mummy’s vagina is NOT a bath toy” (or something equally bizarre) and you realise you’re officially one sandwich short of a picnic.
*Cue high-pitched cackling here*
So I figured I’d share a list of some of the naggy/crazy/common things I’ve found myself saying to my children in recent times, and you can have a laugh too. (And who knows, maybe some of you are equally crazy?)
- “What’s that in your mouth? Oh God it’s a dead caterpillar!”
- “How hard is it to keep your drink IN YOUR CUP?”
- “I’m not sure Mummy would like the taste of vagina coffee, but thank you for offering it to me anyway.”
- “Why do you only need to go to the toilet when I sit down with a hot tea?”
- “Who ate the chalk?”
- “Don’t smile at me when I say no.”
- “No thank you, Mummy can wipe her own bottom.”
- “Don’t. Touch. The LITTER TRAY!”
- “You asked for the blue cup, I got you the blue cup. No, I’m not going to find you the other blue cup. It’s EXACTLY THE SAME!”
- “Where did your clothes go?”
- “Could you just stop trying to kill yourself for five minutes?”
- “Get out of the chicken pen! The scraps are for the chickens to eat, NOT YOU!”
- “Did I just tread in wee?”
- “Yes, I’d love to go on the trampoline. Again.”
- “Is that poo or chocolate?”
- “Undies aren’t optional.”
- “You want me to read The Cat In The Hat again tonight? Can’t wait!”
- “If I say the power point is dangerous, it’s dangerous!”
- “Ice is supposed to be cold. Yes, I know it’s freezing, it’s frozen.”
- “For God’s sake let the cat breathe!”
- “You’ve already had four Cruskits today!”
- “Dinosaurs are extinct. They are not coming through your bedroom window.”
- “Mummy doesn’t yell for the fun of it!”
- “Don’t eat chicken poo off the bottom of my thong!”
- “Are you bleeding? Then no, you can’t have a band aid.”
- “Hurry up!”
- “How many more times do I have to ask you to eat that?”
- “Finger out of your nose!”
- “Can I just wee in peace?”
- “Mummy’s vagina is NOT a bath toy!”
Can you relate? Feel free to add to the list! It would make me feel a lot more normal to hear some of the bizarre things other people say to their children…
Chalk-eater, busted!
